and what have I done out of mine so far?

I mean, we all get born with the ability to work for anything to achieve certain goals. Some may live in different more difficult circumstances than others, which make it harder to truely see the possibilites of what could be done
but actually we all take the major part in our lives and we´d only need to focus on it hard enough to get where we want to.

But I realised my problem again the last days, again when I was in a situation where I easily could have died, which made me question what I have done out of mine so far?

I realised I couldnt blame it on others that I never got the chance to make anything out of my life, but myself.
I know I still had the chance to turn everything around on my side but I realise that I picked the wrong way. Too often.
And I dont know if it isnt too late by now.
I really think its too late to make a difference, to turn around and choose a better way, to focus on the right things to ensure myself a better life in the future.
Alot has happend since I picked certain decissions the wrong way, especially in my mind and brain. I dont know if I´m really still able to get on the right track. I dont even think I have the proper motivation. I mean even if I tried to change now, I dont think it would work out.
I think it´s good I realise it now, but I also think it already is too late, that I still dont take it serious, because I think I knew I took the wrong way from the very beginning, or maybe I just didnt think of it as harmful as all of this really is.
Maybe even that I´m talking about it now won´t make a fucking difference at all.
I dont think it will. I hope so though.
I know I dont have the motivation anymore, even though I know I just have to.
and I dont think I could do it alone anyways, I mean I have too many people around me that wouldnt want to accept that new way, maybe if I really convinced them that it would be better for me and all that but I´m not a big talker that asks others for help because whenever I tried it didnt work.
Im too much into this situation by now I think that I couldnt just say: "okay, stop.. think again and fucking pick the right decission, because you know its wrong what you´re doing."
I feel fucking split, because I know how wrong everything I do is, but I cant do anything against it. I really cant.
It´s too rare that I really think clear to realise all these things again.. and most of the time im just that other me, that doesnt know, that doesnt want to know.
I´m not trying to call myself a skitzo even though I had some situations that scared me alot... but I wouldnt want to find somebody else to blame it on, so its only me.

So to sum it all up, because I dont have that much time to go on:
This journal will probably make no difference to me at all. I wrote it down now, maybe to read it again to remember, but when Im not in this state then I wont notice it anyway. I´d call it a cry for help, even though I dont know anybody I could go to to get this thing sorted out, so its only for myself. To get my thoughts clear, to try to focus on what would be right, to find the right way so I still have the chance to change what I´ve been doing wrong for too long.
It´s about time to change, but I just cant..
I hate to know that.
I´m just hoping to find a way to remind myself of the right thing more often, to basically "fight" the shit away finally.
That´s what I want to do after all because I know it´s right, and because I didnt give myself and everything else up after all, because I think theres still hope and still time.